turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed
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