My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
will a lunchtime blow job make it better?
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
Randomize
