i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
someone owes me an orgasm
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
Wanna see if we can get cut off at bdubs again? The same hipster manager that is younger than us is working again
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
Randomize
