He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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