i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
aparently i pased my english final. I don't even remember taking it.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
He goes to Columbia so regardless of how he looks I should fuck him right?
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Randomize
