hotel room ftw
i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
Randomize
