I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
Pooping to opera.
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