Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
How big of a disservice to the economy would we be doing if we didn't drink every day holiday break?
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
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