Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
I think i got my first booty call. it was like she came to my house. sex. leave.
Congratulations. Welcome to the wonderful world of quick dirty secret sexy time.
thanks... i think. haha
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize
