a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
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