i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Randomize
