i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
Randomize
