he wants to bone in the snuggie
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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