yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
Randomize
