Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
Randomize
