The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
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