Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
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