You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
Pre-St Patricks Day Log: Threw up across a 14ft radius, this is why the irish dont drink tequila
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
Naked. naked and bneed help.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
This sucks! All of the twenty something dick I was getting went home when the university closed
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