I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
I am available for nakedness
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
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