After last night, I could never be a politician.
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
Drunk me commented on almost all of her pictures. My favorite one is titled "be as the sea". My comment is "cold, rough, large and letting anyone come inside you. you accomplished." Guessing I'm not invited to the party anymore.
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Randomize
