i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
Synchronized big wheels back flips off the second floor roof. Good idea or great idea?
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
Randomize
