I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
i get tired of guys telling me there married or they have a girlfriend. they act like it concerns or matters to me
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
Come see our sink grown plant.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
My professor is wearing skinny jeans, orange socks and just said penetration. I don't know what to think
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
Randomize
