i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
The lack of respect you have for your penis baffles me. I'd rather rub my ball sack on public toilet seats than stick my dick in some of those girls.
A simple 'no' would have sufficed
we sixty- nined on a tennis court.. not even drunk. you say insane. i say creative genius.
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
dude wearing that thong all day was not worth the 7 bucks
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
YAS. BRING CRAB.
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
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