Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
Randomize
