So how gross is it that Woopie Goldberg has a vagina? She's like the exact opposite of a boner....
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
I dinstinctly remember making out to "I believe I can fly" and waving my arms like a bird to the beat.
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
may or may not have entered into a gay civil rights discussion with 6 year olds. Hint: I did.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
Randomize
