How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
At some point, it turned less into sparring and more into tough guy dry humping.
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
She's wear your skin crazy! Is it wrong that I'm gonna fuck her 1 more time though?
Randomize
