I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
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