someone threw a dead crab at me
its like his balls were made of silver and he was trying to polish the tarnish off
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
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