we should start having sex in the shower. less clean up.
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
Randomize
