she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
I'll report later on the progress of the mountain orgy
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
There is no rule that you can't be in a room with more than one dick that's been inside you.
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
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