his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
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