took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
Just streaked campus for a bottle of patron...maybe you're right...I might have a drinking problem...
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
Randomize
