but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
Night is still young. Puking guts out part of it just began
Would it be inappropriate to rub one out in the gym shower? I mean, technically, I pay $80 a month to do what I want so could they really say anything?
Shower is fine. Steam room is shady. I've probably done both at one point in my life so I can't be used as a good reference.
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
We always end up having sex in random places after class. I need to stop letting this dude borrow my pens.
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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