I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
Randomize
