i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
Did you pee in the oven last night??
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