My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
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