Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
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