HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
She's Jesus crazy. And one if not more other forms of crazy. She's 2.5+ crazy.
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
Randomize
