Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
My liver just had a heart attack.
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
Tanner. All u drink. 10 bckaa. Locked in Porto potty outside. Constructed area. Main strrrreeeett. Fuck. Help. Pleese
Randomize
