Only in Alabama do they play hymns in a bar!!!
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
Randomize
