I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
That seems dangerous to buy acid from a stranger on craigslist
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
Randomize
