The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
My vagina supports interfraternal relations
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
