I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
