i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
All I remember is him trying to go down on me, but I guess I was too busy making out with his brother
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
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