If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
sometimes you have to go after what you want
true. and i really want to cum
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
I think its awesome that i just got you to cheer for sex
Well sex is awesome. Sex deserves cheers.
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
Randomize
