omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
i realized boys travel in groups of 3's and girls travel in 4's..thats why it gets so tricky
like hot dogs and buns.
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
they call themselves the foursome.. thats def means they're up for one right?
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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