I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
i did make 45 jello shots and that makes me feel more productive then any paper would
I'm trying to decide if I want to bring home my 'beer champion' trophy or my chem books.
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
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