Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
Randomize
