But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
Well my summer started by me waking up in a tube on the side of the pond this morning with 2 of my friends. So that's good..
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
Randomize
