Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
I have nothing to say for myself. When 2chainz comes on at the bar all bets are off.
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
My stripper pole led lights flash with the sound so it's awsome with music
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
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